Treasured Relationships Update and Article: September 9, 2016

In This Issue:

  • Update on upcoming Radio Interviews
  • Article: "God: Working For Your Good"


Update on Upcoming Radio Interviews

A week ago today I told you that I'm going to be interviewed 3 times on an internet radio show.  Well, the dates have changed by 1 week, so the new dates are September 19th, 21st, and 23rd.  The time will be 12:00 Noon (Eastern Time Zone, US).  I understand that you might want to listen in and yet that time of day might not work for you at all.  Therefore, I'll send the links access the recordings of the interviews - as soon as I have them.  And, by the way, the live interviews will be available to listen to over the internet.  I'll send that information to you in advance as well.

I can share with you the overall topics for each interview.  They are:

1.  "The First Step to a Fulfilling Marriage"

2.  "Discover the Divine Purpose for Marriage & Follow God's Plan"

3.  "The Biblical Model of Marriage Takes Three"

The radio show goes from Noon to 1:00 PM, and it sounds like I'll be on live the whole time as Louise Crooks (of "The Business Springboard Radio Show") asks me all sorts of questions.  I've sent her an outline of what I would like to talk about, but she can ask anything she wants to.  So I hope that I can adequately answer all her questions.  I do hope you will be able to join us, either live or by listening to the recordings.


Both Positive and Negative Interactions are Essential

Do you and your spouse argue?  If your answer is “yes”, that may be a good thing.  But it may also be a bad thing.  And if your answer is “never”, that can be a sign of significant troubles.

I know, that last sentence above sounds all wrong, so let’s start there:  Many of us have been conditioned to avoid all possible conflicts, and especially with our mates.  Therefore, we don’t speak up and just go along with whatever our spouse wants or says; while inside we are torn apart by the internal conflict.  And when that takes place, our positive interactions quickly fade away.  What we really need is a proper balance of positive and negative interactions.

Dr. John Gottman is a researcher who has focused his work for many years on what works to build healthy relationships, and he has determined that there is an optimal balance of positivity and negativity for a healthy marriage.  This balance in everyday interaction is crucial.

Dr. Gottman’s “Balance Theory of Relationships” says that a certain amount of negativity is important in healthy relationships.  Negativity helps couples to identify interaction patterns that don’t work, and calls their attention to the differences in each other’s perspectives.

Many couples (and therapists) go to great lengths to eliminate negativity, which is not a good move at all!  The relationship without any conflict is unlikely to grow stronger, and is very likely to suffer in the long run.  Over time, the people in such a relationship lose track of their goals, perspectives, and even feelings.  As we change, and we all do, it is important to discuss issues that arise with each other and develop ways to build more long-term positivity together.  And that requires discussions that are necessarily negative in nature – instead of choking it all down and pretending that everything is fine.

The research indicates that maintaining the “Positive Perspective” is what really separates the happy couples from the miserable ones.  Finding the healthy balance between their positive and negative interactions is crucial.

Different couples have different styles of approaching conflicts.  Some yell and slam doors, while others retreat from each other to think things through.  These are two distinctly different styles of conflict management, and neither style is necessarily bad for the relationship.  The more volatile couples can stick together when their frequent arguments are conducted in the context of mutual love and passion.  And the couple who withdraws from each other for a while can come together later and discuss the issue together to find a resolution.

Dr. Gottman has written about the balance of these negative and positive interactions, but his “balance” is not 50-50.  After studying the amount of time couples spent arguing versus interacting positively (touching, smiling, paying compliments, laughing, etc.), he discovered a very specific ratio that exists between the amount of positivity and negativity in stable relationships.

The “magic ratio” is 5:1.  As long as there are five times as many positive interactions between partners as there are negative, the relationship is likely to be stable.  Very unhappy couples tend to have more negative than positive interactions.  And, while the couples who simply never have a disagreement over anything might seem to be fine, it is also probable that their positive interactions are few and far between.  So here’s the bottom line: while some level of negativity is necessary for a stable relationship, positivity is what nourishes your love.



You can email me privately at with any questions, comments, etc. Or go to the website and book a time for us to “meet” and talk over the phone or internet. Simply select one of my available time slots, and I will send you the details of how we can connect live. I meet this way with people in Australia, Canada, Egypt, and a bunch of US states. So it really doesn’t matter how far away you are from Wilmington, NC. I am here to serve you, and I wish you well.


Dave Wilder


Please tell others about Treasured Relationships! If you know anyone who might be able to benefit from this ministry, ask them to check us out on the website. I work from an office in Wilmington, NC; but the days of having to travel for appointments are over.  I've embraced technology that makes this ministry more effective and more convenient at the same time.


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Dave Wilder

Treasured Relationships LLC: "Helping couples relate well, build fulfilling relationships and experience marriage as God designed it to be!"